Labels

We all use labels. It’s so easy to label things and people around us. Labeling makes it easier for us to categorize, to compartmentalize, to think we understand.

I’ve been labeled so many things in my life. Some of them accurate, some of them not, many of them hurtful. I’ve embraced some, accurate or not. Others I’ve fought against.

Liar, Slut, Bitch, Alcoholic, Failure, Stupid, Lazy, Hyper, Silly, Ditzy, Dramatic, Needy,  Careless, Irresponsible, Unreliable, Unloveable, Crazy.

I’ve internalized so many negative labels. They seem much harder to shake than positive ones. Imagine if we spent our energy building each other up instead of smashing each other down. I can’t even imagine who I would be without those internalized labels… I’m at the point now that I can’t seem to shake them no matter how much I try…no matter what positive crap people tell me. Too many people, including the mental illness in my head, have made it clear the negative ones are the truth. And too many times, those who say otherwise have ended up hurting me and making me doubt the good they’ve said. So how do I ever replace the negative labels? The conviction that I am unworthy?

I try to turn to my faith in a higher power. But when struggling with mental health issues and self-doubt, it’s hard to believe in that which cannot be seen. The older I get, the hard it is….even my good moods are tainted these days. Tainted by the knowledge that they are temporary…that the pain, self doubt, self hate….they never go away. Tainted by the nihilistic bullshit and apathy. Tainted by reality.

God, even I don’t want to hang out with someone who thinks this way.