Little Tastes of Fred

I have these times

When I feel like I can make it

That maybe I’ve found a solution

And though I still struggle

I have hope

And it feels alright.

The problem with these times?

When the darkness comes back

And I start to struggle again

I am scared to say anything

Because everyone loves to hear the positive

They are so fucking happy

When I’m improving

So supportive

So loving

So congratulatory

And so I feel like I’m failing them

When I slip

When I can’t see the light

And I can’t even believe it’s really out there

Somewhere

Just out of reach

Waiting for me.

Being more open about my struggles

Means I’m that much more conscious

Of how people are reacting to me

Of when they seem to approve

And when they seem to fade away

Maybe it’s all in my head during those times

Maybe people aren’t disappointed in me

Maybe it’s just that it hurts them to see me hurt

Maybe they just feel helpless too

Which, of course, makes me feel guilty

For I am the cause of that

My failings

My sickness

 

And that, my friends, is how my brain works

When I’m happy or sad

When I’m hopeful or despairing

Doesn’t matter

That, my friends, is Fred.

Fred is a fucking asshole.

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2 thoughts on “Little Tastes of Fred”

  1. Fred is SUCH a fucking asshole.

    And as anyone who has ever been depressed along with you can tell you, we’re NOT disappointed in you when the darkness advances once again. Even moreso than with plain old depression, that is TRULY the nature of bipolar disorder. People who are disappointed can go hang out with Fred, for they understand not at all what it takes just to stay afloat on a good day.

    Liked by 1 person

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