Train wreck — a train of thought piece

My spiritual journey is like a slow train wreck into the arms of God.

Someone said that at my meeting this morning, quoting someone else of course, and I’m sure I heard it before, but for some reason, it really struck home today.

I get so proud of myself on my spiritual journey when I understand God better and understand religion and learn the holy texts better and study more.

But I like what my cousin has been teaching/sharing with me recently. Maybe I just need to listen to God more.

Maybe instead of intellectualizing God, I just need to listen and rely on Him regardless.

I feel like I’ve taken so many steps backwards, not forwards sometimes.

Like my spiritual journey is as much descent into distance from God, as it is an ascent into closeness with him.

I know that’s normal. Plenty of texts and commentary and songs speak to that.

One of my favorite songs even, “my faith, is like shifting sand so I stand on grace.”

How do people who work and lead lives still figure this shit out, I feel like I could spend all my time dealing with whatever this shit is that goes on in my head. I’m embarrassed about my lack of progress. I feel like everyone has their shit together, but me.

Which makes it all the harder to talk about. I struggle to talk about it in AA because I feel like it’s outside issues. So much of it is tied into the physical health issues that have caused an exacerbation of my mental health issues.

I talk about it in therapy. All the fucking time. And it’s helpful. It’s the one place I have some one, the place where I walk away feeling like I’m actually making a difference in my fucked up head and my fucked up life.

And I know I am exceedingly privileged to lead such a fucked up life compared to so many other people. But God damn, why is it so fucking hard for me?

Oh, right, because I make it hard for me.

So maybe I can change that. Maybe today…just for today, instead of worrying about how gracefully I am falling into line with God’s plans and how well I am controlling my outcomes, I can shrug my shoulders and spread my arms wide and allow myself to ride my gloriously dramatic train wreck directly into the open arms of God.

I know He is waiting patiently to heal me and put me back together. If I would just let Him.

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