Fred’s Visits

Every month, Fred wages an epic battle against me

Fueled by fluctuating hormones

That flood the cracks of my already damaged mind

And transform them into bottomless chasms

Filled with demons of my past and future

That suddenly regrow the claws I’d torn from them

And ascend to the surface of my consciousness once more

To tear at the progress I’ve made

Fred moves among them like a shadow

Encouraging, pushing, taunting

He picks at the scabs of wounds almost healed

Tearing them open

To bleed from the ragged edges his claws make

He picks and picks and picks

Reminding me that I was right to begin with

That I shouldn’t believe what others tell me

That I am useless

I am unlovable

I am a lie

I am nothing

There is no one I can turn to

When I try, Fred soils that as well

Finding every little tiny piece of evidence

That proves I’m unworthy of love

I’m unworthy of understanding

Pointing out how often I have been told I’m too much

That while I may not be unique

That doesn’t mean anyone wants to deal with me

I try to pray, clinging to the words I believed in

Reciting mantras

Begging God

But Fred insinuates himself into all of it

Reminding me that every moment without response

Is proof that I am nothing

That even God doesn’t want me

I know Fred is lying

I know this will pass

But it doesn’t matter

Fred has ways around that too

And I doubt what I know

I try to focus on others

Loving them, supporting them

And Fred slips in again

Whispering that I am making myself weak

That I am giving others power over me

That they will use this against me

That none of them care

And ultimately I retreat

Because it’s less painful when I’m alone

At least then Fred doesn’t have new ammunition

And I wait it out

And it passes

And I breathe again

For a week or two

Until he returns again.


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