Still Trying

Like slightly off clockwork

Another month

Another cycle

Somehow it always sneaks up on me

I start to notice

I check the date

I know

But I seem to be ok

So I feel confident

This month will be different

But it keeps creeping in

I start to reach out

But I feel silly

I know what each person will say

And it’s just the same shit

It means nothing to me

There is no comfort there

Because noone can actually say the right thing

The one thing that will fix it

Because there is no truth there

Nothing but continued hard work

Pushing through

Fighting

Standing strong

Doing the things

It’s not a fix

Just a slow, steady plodding

Until I see light again

And I am free for a few weeks again

But even that freedom is tainted now

Because I know there is no escape

From the cycle

Oh, I know I’m strong

I am an example to others

As I stand and fight

Live my life despite it all

But I’m also tired

So

Fucking

Tired

Tired of doubting

questioning

wondering

hurting

pulling further and further away

because connections don’t help

they simply remind me

that we are all fallible

that noone can save me from myself

except me

And I’m just so tired of the cycles.

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One thought on “Still Trying”

  1. That really touched me, I know or feel what you mean. So many times I feel you in your words. As long as you feel strong stay strong, losing that strength is a terrible thing, nourish it

    Liked by 1 person

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